Thursday, October 26, 2006

When the glow dies

So far I have blogged about the joys of Christianity.

No matter what I do, I find myself moving away from God. It's terrible. All the joys you've found in the glow of the Spirit disappears, and for me, I'm back to where I was two weeks earlier. Someone who calls himself a Christian, when he can't even feel God's presence when he calls out to Him.

Today I didn't attend class. Instead I stayed at home. I listened to worship for one and a half hours, calling and calling for Jesus to bring His presence into the room, into me, that I may be comforted. That I may know He is still with me, still beside me. And I went to pray. I asked God all sorts of questions, even when I knew the answers to half of them. Where are You God? Where are You when I need You? What's going on in my life Lord? Tell me! Tell me, I need to know what is going on!

Again negative thoughts overwhelm me. When I appeal to Jesus to please take them all away, please just fill me with Your peace and love instead, there is no answer. No relief. And the more I try to move myself away from it, the more negative thoughts come in. The more they attack. The more they feast on my depression. The more they try to kill me.

I feel abit better now. Is it because of Jesus? Or is it because I poured it all out here? I need to take control of my life, and yet it is spiralling out of reach. All I need is You Lord. Yet, where are You?

Lead me to You. Please.

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